Every parent wants to raise a confident, self-sufficient child who can navigate life’s challenges with ease. But where’s the balance between giving kids the freedom to grow and providing the right amount of support? Some parents push too hard, expecting independence before a child is ready, while others step in too quickly, unintentionally stifling their child’s ability to develop problem-solving skills.
Dr. Kate Lund specializes in helping parents build resilience in themselves and their children without overwhelming them. Her approach isn’t about forcing independence but rather creating an environment where kids naturally develop the confidence and capability to handle life on their own terms. She explores these ideas in The Optimized Mind podcast and dives even deeper in her upcoming book, Step Away: The Keys to Resilient Parenting, offering parents practical strategies to foster independence while maintaining the right level of support.
Why Independence is Critical for Resilience
Children who are never given the opportunity to make decisions, solve problems, or experience failure often struggle later in life. They become overly reliant on external validation, afraid to take risks, and easily discouraged by setbacks. Without the ability to work through difficulties on their own, they grow into adults who avoid challenges rather than facing them head-on.
On the other hand, when children are pushed into independence too soon, they may develop anxiety, insecurity, or resentment. A child who isn’t emotionally ready to handle responsibilities alone may feel abandoned or pressured, leading to self-doubt rather than confidence.
Resilience develops in an environment where kids feel supported, yet encouraged to step outside their comfort zone. Dr. Kate teaches parents how to strike the right balance—giving children the tools they need to develop autonomy, confidence, and emotional strength without overwhelming them.
The Fine Line Between Support and Overprotection
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is confusing support with overprotection. Support means guiding children through challenges without doing everything for them. Overprotection, on the other hand, shields children from every difficulty, preventing them from learning how to manage stress, solve problems, and build confidence in their own abilities.
A common example is homework struggles. A parent who supports independence might say, “I know this is tough, but I believe you can figure it out. Let’s talk through the steps together.” In contrast, an overprotective parent might take over the assignment or provide the answers, unintentionally sending the message that their child isn’t capable of solving problems on their own.
The goal isn’t to leave kids completely on their own, nor is it to rescue them at the first sign of difficulty. It’s about creating a scaffolded approach, where children are given increasing levels of responsibility as they demonstrate readiness.
How to Foster Independence Without Pushing Too Hard
Building resilience and independence in children starts with intentional, everyday parenting choices. Dr. Kate Lund recommends three key strategies:
Encourage Decision-Making
Rather than making all the choices for them, allow children to practice making their own decisions in age-appropriate ways. Whether it’s choosing an outfit for school, deciding how to spend their allowance, or problem-solving a conflict with a friend, these small experiences build decision-making skills.
Allow Controlled Struggles
Letting kids experience low-risk failures helps them develop perseverance. If a child forgets their homework, instead of rushing to deliver it, allow them to experience the consequence. These small moments teach responsibility and problem-solving without high stakes.
Model Resilience and Emotional Regulation
Children learn by watching their parents. If they see you handling stress calmly, embracing challenges, and working through frustrations without giving up, they will mirror those behaviors. Demonstrating healthy independence, emotional balance, and resilience in your own life is one of the most powerful ways to teach it to your child.
Why Small Steps Create Lasting Confidence
Raising resilient, independent children isn’t about forcing them into independence before they’re ready—it’s about building their confidence gradually. Dr. Kate emphasizes that resilience is a process, not a one-time lesson.
When children are given the right balance of support and autonomy, they learn to trust themselves, manage stress effectively, and develop a sense of self-efficacy. These skills set them up for success, allowing them to face challenges with confidence rather than fear.
The ultimate goal of parenting isn’t to remove every obstacle—it’s to give kids the tools to navigate life’s challenges on their own, while knowing they have a strong foundation of support behind them.